I'm an optimist, but even the most optimistic optimists are human!
I've been a full time mom for 6 years, raising our 2 boys to the best of my abilities, I love them to the moon and back and realistically, they have some serious skills is driving me crazy sometimes.... but love always prevails. This past sunday, my 6 yo accepted to come with me to walk Princess, our gorgeous, amazing and ever so gentle rescue.... and X looked up at me, a tired mom hiding behind a gentle smile and said, "mom, you're so beautiful! " 😍 and reached for my hand with his 2 hands wrapped in knitted brown mitts and squeezed my hand firmly and said, "dont worry, I'm going to keep your hand warm". 🥰
Well, it's when I'm feeling this crankiness getting the best of me and I stumble on this sweet gentle memory, it fills my heart up. 💛
So tonight I had to apologize to my husband several times for being short, snappy and feeling crummy🤦♀️, he doesn't deserve that. He's such a 🦸♂️warrior, a hero, my knight in shinning armor! He took on the family finances for 6 years and watched our debt free finances slowly crumble during those 6 yrs I was a full time mom. He carried that financial burden for 6 yrs. And that, I know was a big burden. 😣
In January, after 4 yrs of challenges, training, studying, stress, hard work, dedication and definitely a few tears, he was finally qualified as an Air Traffic Controller. It was such a relief, we cried together and celebrated. It had been a long road to a big career change.
With that came a very discombobulated schedule, no real rhyme or reason to his schedule, lucky to get 1 weekend off every 4 to 6 weeks, it was tough on me, and the kids (and him for obvious reasons) as we always strive to have a steady routine.... hahaha there's no real routine when it come to shift work with a very scattered schedule.
But since we had been through so many ups and downs and challenges and curve balls, we took this one on with grace and love and patience (yes at times tears and frustration) but that's all part of growing! And that! We are awesome at! 👫 Growing together through growing pains that life throws at us.
It took me/us about 9 months this to get used to the shift work and for the kids to adjust as well. 👨👩👦👦 By this time, we keep looking at our financials and couldn't seem to catch a break. So we discussed multiple times me finding a job 👩💼. I felt the timing was right. X was full time at school getting home at 4pm, x was m-f mornings at preschool, and had the option to stay all day for a small fee....
So I started applying for jobs. And the first interview I got.... I dont know if this happens to you.... I dont think I'm cocky at all.... but I usually just walk in, do me, lay it all down, if you like what you hear, great! If not, I'm moving on.
I had an awesome interview! Walked out of there feeling light as a feather! And waited.... and waited.... and then decided that wasn't the job for me, since I assumed and was told they were making the offer the following week and it had been 2 weeks... so I thought, oh well, it wasnt meant to be.
But what I didn't know was that they were working hard on getting approved on their offer for the position.... then I finally got the call. The offer. It was for only 32 hrs per week.... and a starting salary way below my last job, 6 yrs ago. But there was this thing....
Oddly enough, every job I've had so far, I at one time or other envisioned having that job, envisioned working in that office, working in that building, working with this person, working in a healthy environment.... and every time.... the stars aligned. I remember looking up at my now office from the pool or the gym main entrance and wonder... who works there.....?
So the offer wasn't full time, and it wasn't out of this world pay.... so then what was I suppose to get from this? Everything happens for a reason.... so why did I land this one in particular, and not something full time or with higher pay?
So I honestly thought to myself, ok, it's a stepping stone.... something else will come along, this is temporary.
But then I started my job. And my boss, he was a human being! And treated me and talked to me like a human being. And trust, and encouragement, and recognition, and appreciation....
All the things I never got from my last boss at my last job, who had spent my last 2 yrs at that previous job trying to fire me, because she felt entitled to choosing her own assistant (i was appointed to her), the harassment, manipulation, condescending, never being able to do anything right because she kept changing her demands, sent me literally knocking on a psychologist door. She had broken me down, mentally, psychologically and emotionally.
This new job, after being a stay at home mom for 6 yrs, they were offering support, flexibility to work around my husband's crazy schedule, and work around my kids' needs and sickness, and if I needed to sleep in an hr because I was up most of the night with the kids, I could do it guilt free. In exchange? That they can count on me on the busy times.... really? Hell fricking yes you can! I'll show up with bells on!
After I got a couple of calls for other interviews for full time jobs, hubby and I talked.... and agreed that this current position was what I was meant to do. That the positive environment, the flexibility, the good boss and healthy lifestyle environment was where I needed to be. So I went in the next day to let my boss know how happy I was with my position and working for him, and that I was there to stay as long as they'd have me. I was declining any further interview offers.
Oh right.... why am i so cranky then.... today.... well it has nothing to do with my boss enjoying a 3 week vacation in Phoenix with his lovely wife. And has nothing to do with my amazing husband who has happily granted me my wish of being a full time mom for 6 yrs, nor the fact that he's an amazing husband and wouldn't trade him for the world.... And it's not because of my kids even tho I'm a worrywart when it comes to their health.
We just spent a fun filled weekend with the kids and my amazing hubby who finally had a weekend off, and he chose to spend it with me and the kids. He wanted us to go out for supper as a family friday night. And then he suggested we all go to a hockey game, which meant we'd all skip the kids' 6:30pm bedtime and move it to 10pm. Saturday morning the kids crawled into bed with me around 6 am, and snoozed until 8am (which never happens!). Saturday night we had plans to go to an East Indian Diwali event, and get a sitter.... last minute friday night hubby asked if we could take the kids.... The ticket for a.child was $15, the other was free, vs $45-$50 for a sitter. And allow the kids to experience a different culture! So Saturday was a other late night for the kids, they loved it. Sunday was a chill day, kids and daddy went for a playdate while I grocery shopped. Then I took in a movie and exchange some clothes while kids and daddy had a stay in movie and popcorn.
So why in the world am I cranky? Gotta love the lady cycle..... it wrecks havoc on the mental and emotional and hormones in a womans body. And to top it off.... I feel a little cold coming on.... man cold my arse. I have a woman cold during a woman cycle and a little worn out..... that's enough for any woman to feel cranky.
I may be a bit cranky, but my heart is full. I couldn't ask for more.
And my husband, he has discovered his super power over the years.... whenever I'm not myself.... or having strong emotions... and even the occasional anxiety attack.... his long, gentle and firm hugs melt away my heartaches, and he give me strenght again.
And for those amazing 2 boys of ours, who are such sensitive souls, filled with unconditional love.... they keep my heart beating.
My tea is cold, typical mom tea.... thank you for letting me share this with you, thank you for listening, I'm feeling much better.
Sweet dreams
Xo
D
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